Things In My Head

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard ‘Jesus is watching you.’

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.

‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, and then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’

The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?’

‘Moses,’ replied the bird.

‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’

‘The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.

source: Facebook

Greg works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ‘Hey, Greg! How ya doin?’

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

‘Oh no,’ says Greg. ‘He’s in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Greg if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, ‘How did she know that you drink Budweiser?’

‘I recognize her, she’s the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.’

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Greg, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

‘Hi Greggie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?’

Greg’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Greg follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Greg tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it ..

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says,

‘Geez Greg, you picked up a real bitch this time.’

Greg’s funeral will be on Saturday.